...Emo...

Hmmm I've been wondering... why have
I been sleeping early these few nights...
I don't really feel tired but its just that I
feel there's something missing in my life...
Exams are coming and it like a swinging
guilottine over my head but sometimes
I feel that its already written in stone that
I'll graduate with a meagre 3rd class and
fight unsucessfully with all the other people
in the job market.

Speaking of job market I don't even have
an inkling of where I would like to work
or what kind of industry I would like to
enter... and even if I do I don't think I can
get pass their preliminary interviews given
that everyone is so qualified...what do I have
to give that other people don't?? I'm really
searching for that answer...Will I live out
my whole life as a white collar worker??
struggling to climb up the corporate ladder
struggling with a average or below average
income?? Will I be able to support my
parents, my aunts who have been so
supportive of me all the time...

Sometimes I feel like I have let a lot of
people around me down. I don't really
know when this feeling of resignation
and hopelessness befell me...was it
when I decided to join the UOL
programme??

After joining UOL I've been either
skipping classes or sleeping in classes
like no one else's business... Have not
find the drive to study much... been
plagued with so many distractions...
Dota, Clubbing, Yamchas and not
to mention the emotional kinds...
Even when I go to the library everyday
I can't really study there much and not
to mention when I'm at home.. I get
pestered to study by parents, aunts
& my grandmother but I just let them
go in one ear and out the other... They
don't believe I'm studying in the library
in a way they are right... but what's the
use of studying in the library for 6 days
in a 7 day week when upon arriving at
home ur stuck with naggings to study,
dissapproval, comments which are
condescending and really hurts... I
even have trouble going out to chill
out with my friends on the weekends
be it Friday or Saturday... really hate
this feeling of boredom of doing nothing.
The best solution I have for this is to
just shut myself in the room and sleep..
Pass time by sleeping, feeling nothing
and awakening to find that another day
has gone by with the blink of an eye...
With all these I go out like no one else's
business during college time and normal
time when I should be studying on
weekdays and I feel the guilt but its
a never ending cycle for me...coz even
if I study I won't get any slack from my
family. This is a dangerous thought and
a ticking time bomb but I can't help it...
In the end I'm sure I'll regret this way
of thinking but that's for the future and
the present is now...

I have always felt that I'm missing that
someone in life... someone who can give
me the feeling of contentment,
someone I can do the little things with,
have a heart to heart talk with, share my
happiness and pain but unfortunately I
never go further then having crushes..
Cause I know somehow one way or the
other I will be rejected and the pain
and hurt will be along to haunt me again.
I don't really feel that I would be able
to commit to having a relationship given
my sorry state of affairs... no transportation,
no cash, no time due to parental restriction
or maybe these are just lame excuses I
give myself... what about the lack of
confidence, the ability to take a gamble,
the ability to be myself around someone
i like, to be able to express those feelings
with my mouth instead of just keeping
them in my heart.. or I just can't bring
myself to take a step forward instead I'm
stepping backwards...I really don't know...
what's wrong with me...maybe a mental
block but I'm feeling sick and tired of my
pathetic life...

Somehow one way or the other it
always pop up when exams are near.
I'm hopeless dealing with these kind
of things... is it a passing feeling or is
it stress from exams or is it the empty
void in my life or is it that I've found
that special someone I don't really know...

I'm sure this last paragraph will raise
a lot of speculation and interests among
my SAD friends (Single, Available and
Desperate) mostly those from my MBS
group... but don't bother asking coz u
guys know u'll never get it out of my
mouth and ur earlier assumptions
during bak kut teh are already wrong...

There was even a time when one of my
MBS friend attempted suicide and was
scolded for his reasons of suiciding coz
they all (my MBS group) agreed if it was
due to stress I would have first dibs on
suiciding and he would have to wait for
me to do it first before he could do it.
( Don't worry I dont plan to end my life
anytime soon...it just popped up in my
head)

I know some people will say that I have
it good and there are even some others
who are even worse off then compared
to me...but I'm still suffering and I think
I have the right to voice out my feelings
about my life...

Damn emo post.. It might not have the
right flow and there maybe some parts
which might be left hanging coz all these
words come from my heart without
any structure or proper arrangement and
comes as I write this...I would normally
never ever post this kind of stuff coz it'll
raise a hellfire of baseless speculation and
assumptions... but I feel that a heavy
load has been lifted off my shoulders
and heart...